Letters from the Wasteland
by Lilith4
Summary: The letters of Azkaban prisoner Sirius Black to his friend/lover Remus Lupin. Follows the lyrics of the song by the Wallflowers.


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Letters from the Wasteland

By Lilith

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A/N: I have been converted... to The One True Way. Sirius and Remus forever, man! Anyway, this is what comes of me listening to the Wallflowers after midnight. 

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Disclaimer: The lyrics and title belong to the Wallflowers, the characters belong to J.K. Rowling, I'm just a humble lunatic who writes down the crazed ideas that the pretty lights put in my head. And as a warning, this story contains a **homosexual **relationship. Got that, kids? If that ain't your cup of tea, I suggest not reading it. There isn't anything graphic... indeed, there's really no contact at all (they're _letters_) but there is insinuation. Okay? Okay. Moving on.

[Tiny bit of background information. The night before the Fidelius Charm was performed, Sirius and Remus both admitted their feelings to each other and decided to have some sort of non-platonic relationship. Remus knew that once the Fidelius Charm was in place, he wouldn't be able to see Sirius for a while, for some reason or other. The next night, Lily and James were killed, Voldemort was destroyed, and the next morning Sirius was framed for the murders of twelve muggles, Peter Pettigrew and Lily and James Potter.]

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Remus Lupin unlocked his front door and let himself into the empty flat, a brown paper bag of groceries in one arm and a fistful of mail clenched in the other. He dropped the mail on the kitchen counter and put the groceries down next to it, then pulled out several packages of Ramen noodles from the grocery bag. He also produced a loaf of French bread, a package of plastic spoons, a package of plastic bowls, and a pot. Remus crossed to the sink, filled the pot with two cups of water, then sat it on the stove. He fiddled with the dials, then pulled out his wand and muttered something to the stove. The gas flames winked into existence under the pot. Only a close observer would have noticed that the flames weren't actually coming from the gas nozzles.

Remus then picked up the stack of mail and began to leaf through it. There was a short letter from Albus Dumbledore, informing him of the exact date and time of the train leaving for Hogwarts- he would be riding in the train, with the students- and contained a train ticket. Remus pocketed the ticket and checked his watch. It was August 31st. The train would leave tomorrow, and Remus made a mental note to make sure everything had arrived at Hogwarts already. He leafed through the rest of the mail. It was mostly from family members congratulating him for finally finding a job. There was, however, one large and bulky envelope that claimed itself as coming from "Azkaban Correctional Facility".

Remus' brow furrowed. He wasn't sure he wanted to open that envelope, but he did anyway, scarred hands ripping through the thick parchment. He withdrew a thick bundle of paper. The first paper read:

Dear Mr. Lupin,

As you probably know, the murderer and probable Death Eater Sirius Black escaped from our custody. In the process of cleaning out his cell, one of our guards found these letters, addressed to you. We are not sure about how the prisoner obtained the forbidden ink and parchment, as our security is very strict. We send you these letters in the knowledge that if any important information is contained therein, you will inform us immediately. Thank you for your time.

It was signed by Illegible Scrawl, security warden of Azkaban Correctional Facilities. Remus snorted, then was sobered as the impact of what he had just read hit him. Sirius had written him letters. From _Azkaban_. He'd obviously never meant Remus to read them, because there wasn't any correspondence allowed from prisoners of Azkaban. Not that many of the prisoners complained- they usually had no one to write to, or anyone who would write back to them. But Sirius...

Remus stared at the bundle of letters, turning them over in his hands. How could any one person hurt him this much? Even after the twelve or thirteen years it had been since Remus had seen or heard from Sirius, the man still had the ability to make his heart wrench in a most uncomfortable way. _Werewolves mate for life, _he reminded himself, _and now you can't forget him. He's your life-mate. _Remus shook his head and stuffed the letters into his suitcase, disgusted with himself. _No. Sirius is NOT my life-mate. I could have had a... girlfriend, or boyfriend, after he went..._ _Sirius isn't my life-mate, _he insisted against himself again. _We never... did anything. He kissed me. I never... I never _chose _him, I didn't... _Remus realized this line of reasoning wasn't working, delicately told his brain to shut up, and went to cook his Ramen noodles. 

~~~

Remus Lupin, several months later, was at a loss for words. In the span of a few short hours he had discovered that Sirius Black was _not _a killer, his other best friend was still alive, that the other man _was_ the killer, transformed into a werewolf and nearly bitten someone, resigned from his job, and moved back into his old house. _Well, _he thought to himself, _this has been an interesting few days._

Sirius was innocent. _Innocent. _And was free. The knowledge made Remus feel as though his heart had wings. _And it does, a little, because Sirius is my heart and he's flying away, with the wings of a Hippogriff._ Remus chuckled to himself. He hadn't had a proper sleep in three days, and was feeling a bit delirious. _Off to bed, _he sang inside his head, chuckling again at his rhyme. Remus drifted through the rooms, acting slightly like a lovestruck teenager. Luckily, he hadn't actually packed the house up. He'd squatted [**A/N:** Stayed there without the paying and without the owner of the place knowing or consenting] in a flat in London for his last two weeks before Hogwarts, and had simply cast a powerful protection spell over his house, so he hadn't needed to worry about it. Now, he simply staggered and dazed his way into the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. Sleep took him almost instantly.

When Remus awoke, it was to an unpleasant taste in his mouth, and sunlight shining directly into his eyes. With a muffled groan he rolled over and burrowed his head under a pillow, but it was no good. The sunlight shining on his bed made him hot, and his robes were sticking to him. Remus sighed. He rolled out of bed, fell onto the floor, got up and stumbled for the bathroom. He brushed his teeth, replacing the gross taste in his mouth for the taste of peppermint, changed into his bathrobe, and headed for his suitcase to get out his clothes.

His _suitcase. _With the _letters_. Remus gasped, and made a dash for the leather case, which was lying on the kitchen table, and had no intention of going anywhere. He'd completely forgotten about the letters Sirius had written him! Remus opened it, dove to the bottom, and pulled out the stack of letters. Hands trembling, Remus sank into a chair at the kitchen table, absent-mindedly pushed the suitcase off the table and unfolded the letters. Most were written on newspapers, in between the lines of printed text. Remus took a deep breath. _You've had them for months, waiting a few more moments won't kill you. Make some tea,_ Remus' mind ordered him. _Stay calm._ Remus got up, filled the kettle with water, and set it on the stove. Forgetting to light the stove, he headed for the table, sat down, and began reading the letters.

Remus-

I'm sure you won't want anything to do with me now, but you don't understand, you can't know what happened. It was Peter, Remus, it wasn't me, I swear, we switched... oh God, you'll never believe me. I can't even believe me. It's horrible here, Remus, and I'm starting to forget. The Dementors are awful, and all I can think about is finding James and Lily...

I'm sorry, Remus... you must feel so alone. After all, you're the only one left of us. James is dead, you think that Peter's dead, and I'm... well, I'm here, so I'm as good as dead to you. But Remus, I still love you. I even had a dream. I was flying through clouds, and I could hear your breathing, but I couldn't find you. I kept calling your name, and I was crying, but all I could hear was you breathing... and then I just heard you say "Mr. Black, you are dead to me." And then I woke up, and I couldn't believe it, and it felt so _real..._ Oh God, Remus... I love you. Even if you're abandoning me here... are you? I wish I knew... But you are. I'm nothing more than an insane killer now, you wouldn't wait for me, wouldn't wait for me to be cleared, because I never will be. And you can't love a killer. But I remain yours,

Padfoot

Remus-

I'm going crazy. Really I am. You're gone, and I still love you, but I can hardly even think about you or James anymore. They're taking it away from me, all of it, everything I am, and I'm just going to sit here and write Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black...

I don't know who I am anymore. But I didn't do it. I didn't. I know that much.

Padfoot

Remus-

Well, one thing makes me glad here. I've heard things here, people screaming in their sleep things they would like to do to Mr. Pettigrew. I have to say, I wouldn't mind doing half of them myself. And these aren't happy thoughts, so they can't take them away. Traitorous bastard, I'll get little Wormtail someday, somehow. Oh, but right now, are you thinking the same things as I am? Are you calling me a murderous bastard, cursing my name and my existence? I can understand how you feel, I feel the same way about Peter. Oh God, Peter, if I could only get my hands on him... I wish... 

Remus, did you see Godric's Hollow? James was just lying there, and his face was so angry, and he looked so betrayed. And Lily, oh Remus, Lily was just lying there, you could see where Harry had been in her arms, and there was a pile of ashes covered in this absolutely revolting green oil... and then they burned it, Remus... the cabin burned, and I tried to get them out, but it was... I couldn't. And then I saw Hagrid... Harry was safe, and I can't tell you how relieved I was... he was scarred, but alive, and I wanted to take him away with me, to live with me... but he was being taken to Dumbledore. I thought I could get him later... and then I realized I was wanted for murder... Oh, Remus, it hurts me inside to love you like this. Writing makes me sane, it keeps me focused... otherwise it's just this blackness and a terrible bleakness... it's like nothing matters anymore, because everything you've ever experienced was horrible. I can't... I can't... writing, my hands... my hands are bleeding. 

Padfoot

Remus-

It's dark, it's all dark, Remus, and they'll never let me out, and I'll be stuck here forever. It's been a week since I've moved, and when I woke up from the nightmare I was covered in dust. I'm just going to turn to dust. Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust... that's all I can think. They're taking my mind, Moony, everything I've had... I can't remember how I met you, or how I met James, or Lily, or... God, even Peter. I'm bleeding, and I can hardly move, my fingers are so sore and my bones so stiff... I have to go, I have to do something... I can't just lie here. I can't just hide in my dark corner and pretend that you still love me.

Padfoot

Remus-

If you exercise it doesn't seem as bad. I'm getting stronger, and They haven't taken anything away from me in a while. They've brought in some new ones, and I think They're concentrating on breaking them. I'm grateful, it takes Their attention away from me, and I can write without scribbling things.

There isn't much to say.

Mold has been growing on my robes, and I'm not due for a clothes change for another... two weeks? Maybe it's more... time is so strange here. For instance, I don't know when I first started writing to you. Was it years after I was admitted, or was it only days? I can't even tell day from night. I sleep when I'm tired and wake when I'm not. I try not to sleep, because that's when They get you. They hover outside your cell and start sucking your identity out through your sleeping mind, and it's awful, because the nightmares become so real... so real. I've been having the same one for... months, I think. I'm flying though clouds, and I hear you breathing all around me, like the other one. Only this time I find you, but you're horrible, you're fifty times as big as I am, and you swat me away like an insect when I come near. I woke up, and I felt so sick... am I an insect to you now, Remus? Do you swat away my memory, does it have no meaning for you anymore? I've held onto you for so long here... whenever I feel Them trying to take you away from me, I turn into Padfoot. They've got no eyes, Remus, so they can't see me. But They can't take things away from me when I'm not me. It's all I have anymore.

Padfoot

Moony, oh my beloved Moony, I'm breaking, they've finished with the new ones, and I've tried to not think about Them, because They always know when you're thinking about Them, but it's not working and They're here. I'm so scared, so _scared_... and it's so cold here, Moony, so cold... They're here again, and I have to be Padfoot.

Now They've gone again, and I can't do this anymore. I can't live in this half-life... I can never get out, why am I even bothering with this? Why am I trying to stay sane? I suppose I'm doing it for you, Moony... because I still love you. But I can't even think about that, otherwise They'll feel it and try to take it from me. You're getting so hard to hold onto. But I'm not letting you go, Moony, not without a fight I'm not.

Padfoot

Remus-

I haven't been Sirius in so long... I've been Padfoot. It's gotten so bad, They won't leave me alone, They just stand there with Their hoods and Their horrible hands up against the bars, and I could swear They were just standing there sucking, trying to suck away my life. They finally left this morning, and I hope they don't find out why I'm not crazy yet. I'm not crazy now. I'm not. I'm perfectly sane. Well, maybe not perfectly... but I'm not as crazy as the rest of them. Do you think I ever was completely sane, Remus? You probably think I was insane all my life. First Year... what was it First Year, I know I must've done something crazy, I did every year. But no, that's a good memory, and They took it... long ago, most likely. It's not until you try to remember something that you realize that you've lost it. The earlier things are the things They're taking, and now I can't even remember my childhood. My memory of good things starts in our Third Year. I can remember when I got lost in the forest when I was ten, but I can't remember being Sorted. I can't remember our entire First Year, now... it's completely gone, and I can't remember... did I see you on the train, Second Year? Did we sit with James, or Lily, or Peter? I can't remember Second Year, either, it's all dimly there, and I remember that it _happened_... but what happened, exactly, I couldn't tell you.

I feel stronger. I've been doing push-ups, sit-ups, and crunches... Everything and anything I can to stay fit. They haven't cut my hair, so it's still long. I haven't forgotten how much you loved my hair, you used to run your fingers through it and blush when you realized what you'd done. God, I would give anything to see you once again. Anything.

Padfoot

Remus-

I wish I could know that you and Harry were safe. How old is he now? For that matter, how old are you and I? I can't remember my birthday, or even my age. I spend my time as Padfoot, and Sirius is fading, even now. Spending so much time as something else makes me forget, and every time I turn back I have to try several times. I don't want to be Sirius. I want to be Padfoot. And then They come and try to take things away from me, and I can't be Padfoot again, because that would defeat the purpose. I would still forget. I just have to sit here and be me, and I have to relive all my worst nightmares over and over and over again. I've found James and Lily so often, Remus... and I can't cry anymore. I've got nothing left inside me, and I feel hollow inside. I can't remember school anymore. I remember everything Snape ever did to us, and I can't remember how we got him back. Oh... oh, and the times They've made me relive the months when you and James and Peter didn't speak to me... That's the worst. They've made me curse myself and hate myself thousands of times over... I can still remember the day I let it slip how to get into the Whomping Willow to Snape... and how much you hated me for it. I've relived those months for days, weeks... it's awful. And I deserved it, which is the worst part. It's awful, because I never realized how much I loved you until then. When you rejected me as a friend was when I realized how hard I'd fallen for you and how much I loved you. I could see in your eyes that you didn't love me, and it... I couldn't stand it. Maybe it was a good thing that happened... because I finally figured out that I loved you. But I can't think of the rest as a good thing... it hurt so much, Moony. And I realize it must have hurt you too... to be betrayed. And I'd always punished those who betrayed us... what are you thinking, now that you think I've betrayed you again?

Padfoot

God, Moony, I'm slipping again. I can feel sanity in my head, like a living thing, and I can feel it draining away. It takes effort to move, to write, to exercise, to do anything. I feel my mind slipping, and it takes effort to think anymore. I'm becoming catatonic. When that happens... when you've been drained to the point of emptiness, do you know what They do? I've heard things. I heard that They simply throw you into the water surrounding the prison. They can tell if you're faking, so there's no escape hope. They just throw you in the sea and you drown, still buried inside yourself. Awful. God, I have to change... I have to be Padfoot. I can't take this anymore, I can hardly think. I have to go, I have to not be me.

Padfoot

Remus-

Oh, everything is so much better now. When it gets that bad I can turn into Padfoot, and sleep, and my sleep won't be invaded by you. You're in all my dreams, you know. They're always horrible, and you always turn me away. Once you even tried to kill me. Are you sending me these dreams, I wonder? Is this your way of telling me that you're abandoning me here?

Someday I will get my hands on Peter, and someday he will pay for everything he's done. He'll pay for every day of Harry's childhood that he has to live without parents. He'll pay for hurting me, and he'll pay for hurting you. I will kill him.

I hope Harry is still alive. I hope any remnant Death Eaters have not hunted him down and killed him. Oh... oh, if Peter... if Peter kills that boy, I... I don't know what I'll do. I'll... I'll tear him limb from limb, and I'll keep him alive throughout it all... and I'll... I...

I can't control myself here. I get so angry. How old is Harry? He should be old by now, but time's gone all-strange, and I can't tell day from day or week from week. I tried scratching my wall to record the days that have gone by, but there aren't any windows. I haven't seen sunlight since I've been in here. I've gotten so pale, paler than I was before. I imagine I look like Death.

Padfoot

Remus-

I'm so strong. Someone died, so they're giving me more food. I can feel myself getting stronger, the listlessness fading. My mind is sharp now, and I can see more. It's dark in here most of the time, and They only bother lighting the torches when a human of importance comes in. That's not very often. So it's usually very dark. Now, though, now my eyes are getting better, and I can see in the dark much better. I don't know why I feel like this. It's so strange... They've hardly been paying any attention to me, concentrating Their feeding on the younger, weaker ones. I can still feel Their presence, but it's more like a constant draining that a concentrated attack on my sanity. Maybe since I've been here so long They figure They can't break me. I hope so... God, I hope so. This is an awful way to live... not even those who are guilty deserve this. It's a life without hope to them, Remus. They don't have Padfoot, or even the one thought I have that keeps me alive: I didn't do it. They're just empty shells. No one should have to live like this. Not even Peter. The thing is, Remus, that if we give murderers and rapists and terrorists to prisons, we're showing that they have value as human beings. And perhaps... perhaps they do. I don't know. I'm getting tired.... so tired. I have to sleep.

Padfoot

Moony oh God Moony they got me, they got me while I was sleeping, I'm never going to sleep again, they just came and took and took and took and I can't feel anything inside me anymore, it's just this huge empty hole... the only thing I've had to eat in a week is my own tears. I'm living off of my despair, Moony, and it tastes so bitter, so... Oh God. I'm cracking up. They're good. I thought I was better... but I'm not. They're cracking me, Moony... slowly, but I can feel it... I'm never going to be whole again, you know. They've taken years of my life away from me, and I don't think I'll ever get them back. It's impossible to get out, I can feel the bars closing in on me... they're going to crush me. Oh God. I can't feel anything... I feel empty. They're taking my love. I can hardly remember James... and Lily. You're still vivid in my mind, but my heart no longer stirs at the thought of you. I can't feel anything except this blackness. Help me, Moony... oh God, help me... I have to end this. I have to get out. I can't even slit my wrists, because they don't even line the doors here with barbed wire. I can hardly move, I couldn't hang myself... plus, there's nothing to stand on or to hang the noose over. There's no poison, no pills, no fire, no gas, no wand... I'm trapped. Everything's closing in on me. I cannot get out. I cannot get out. I cannot... oh, God.

I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

Remus-

Well, I'm back. Apparently, the attempted suicide rate is very high here, and they're against prisoners taking their own lives. So me beating my head against the bars didn't go over too well. They fixed up my skull and cleaned me up, then stuck me back in that cell again. They didn't clean up the cell, thank God, otherwise they would have found my letters to you. That would not have been good at all. No more now, They're coming.

Padfoot

Remus-

Well, apparently in a few days I'm going to have an important visitor. They've lit the torches all the way up to my cell, swept the dust out of the corridors and put a bench in my cell. I've hidden your letters extra carefully. I can't fathom who this mystery visitor might be, but do you think I should comb my hair for the occasion? Or wear my good robes? I'm afraid my style is awfully cramped by this bloody robe, but maybe it's considered a look. Ah well, I'll have to wing it.

Padfoot

Remus-

Well, turns out my visitor was the Minister of Magic himself. He doesn't seem like a very competent man. Gave me his newspaper to read. It's a good thing he came on a good day, otherwise the entire country would have reports of my madness, and people would be cursing my name again. I think I'll read the paper, shall I?

OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod... Remus, PETER... he's alive, he's at HOGWARTS, with a boy named Weasley... one of them, I don't know which, has him as a PET RAT! It's all in the _Daily Prophet_. The Weasley family won some gold and got their picture in the paper, and this boy has Peter on his shoulder! He's at Hogwarts, and that's... that's where Harry is, isn't it. I have to get out, I have to hunt him down like the rat he is. I'm going to kill him. I want to commit the murder (or one of them, anyway) that I was imprisoned for. I will get out of this place. I will. They won't be able to stop me. I'll be Padfoot, I'll effing swim across the sea to the mainland. I will protect Harry if it costs me my life. I'll protect him or die trying. I only wish I could tell you this... _really _tell you this, so you could be at Hogwarts to protect Harry too. I know you'd want to. But I'm getting out, Remus. I just have to think of exactly how to do it. And as long as I'm out, I suppose I'll pay you a visit. Just to see you. I won't talk to you, you won't even know I'm there. But I have to see you one more time before I'm back in here for life, or before They give me the Kiss.

I guess I'll see you around, then.

--Padfoot

~~~

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Letters from the Wasteland

Now coming down  
Out of this swan dive to your arms  
I make no sounds  
When I move through your reservoirs  
I wake up quick  
I wake up sick  
As you abandon me  
Into these fields of rank and file  
Through this cloud I hear you breathing  
Through these bars I watch them bring more in  
  
Now I send back letters from the wasteland home  
Last slowdance to this romance on my own  
May take two to tango, but boy it takes one to let go  
It just takes one to let go.  
  
Now boy keep still  
Don't spread yourself around  
Get back in line  
Eat your bread  
And just work the ground  
  
'Cause you're not through  
They're not done with you  
Did you think you were  
The only one who's been let down  
So sleep tight little boys of the new dam  
Let them drop in the quicksand  
  
Now I send back letters from the wasteland home  
Last slowdance to this romance on my own  
May take two to tango, but boy it takes one to let go  
  
Now another bad idea gets through  
Down they send me unto you  
Every bridge I should have burned  
Every lesson I've unlearned  
When the smoke give way to ruins  
Incarcerated lovesick fools  
I wait for you to cut me loose  
But until then  
  
I send back letters from the wasteland home  
Last slowdance to this romance on my own  
May take two to tango, but boy it takes one to let go  
Now I send back letters from the wasteland home  
From where I slowdance to this romance on my own...

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A/N: Comments? Suggestions? Anything? I don't like flames, but if you don't like it then please for God's sake tell me *why*, so I can fix it. Constructive criticism= happy Lilith. Oh, and if your review goes along the lines of: "I'm a homophobic asshole who won't read or like your fic because it's two _guys_, eew, that's wrong," then please don't bother. By the way, in case you didn't get it, "They" with a capital letter is referring to the Dementors, but Sirius doesn't like writing their names down.

Well, this was certainly fun yet depressing to write. I need to go listen to some happy music now. I hope you all enjoyed this! 

--Lilith

"The optimist claims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true." –James Branch Cabell

"I love the little tacos... I love them gooooood." –Gir, "Invader Zim"


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